Friday, March 25, 2011
inspired...probably not....
I want to be inspired! I just got back from a trip to Portland and I was able to spend some really good time with 3 very special girls who I love very much. I had such a good time and enjoyed the diversity of Portland and the artsy fartsy feel of it there too. I came back thinking about who I want to be in this life. I have found myself getting caught up with looking at peoples blogs online and wishing to be more like them, wishing I knew how to sew, wishing I knew how to craft and be handy like all of these other amazing women I see on this world wide web but what really ends up happening to me is, me left feeling that I am not good enough because I'm not doing what everyone else is doing. Feeling like I'm not good enough because I get super duper overwhelmed with the thought of going to the store with two little "devils", (As I have referred to my twin toddlers lately.) by myself. Also feeling this way because others make me feel this way. I don't think people mean to be rude or to make me feel this way, but it still happens. (I am a sensitive female, right?) So as I was journaling last night, trying to figure out how to sort out my feelings, what I just realized is that I don't want to be selfish. I always want my husband and children, (weather it be the two little devils that I have now, or the factory of babies that are to come. Yeah right.) to feel like I have put them first. I never want my kids to feel heart ache, I never want my husband to feel I don't love him deeply. I know there are up's and down's in life, so my kids will most certainly feel heart ache, and I'm sure my husband will sometimes question how deep my love is for him but what I have come to decide is that I want to be who I am and what I am is my family. With out them, I am nothing. So I guess my conclusion from my journaling last night was that, I just want to make those I love so much, happy. I want to raise children that grow up to be good men who respect, love and serve others and live their lives fully. I think this is what ever mother wants for her family but I just needed to get it out of my mind and on paper. I'm not the best writer or speller but I know one thing, once I get it out of my head, it just makes more sense. I think I get all of these random thoughts going all day in my brain and until I really focus and write them, they are just like jigsaw puzzle that hasn't been put together yet.
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3 comments:
Ok, here's the thing. You are WAY too hard on yourself. Michelle, you already DO make everyone around you happy, not just your boys. Its great to have aspirations- I feel the same way when I blogstalk- but don't let it get you down. I doubt all these girls lives are always perfect. You are a great wife, mommy, and friend and your efforts ARE appreciated! Love you!
I feel the same way about writing. It helps iron out all the crazy thoughts I have in my head when I sit down and write or type them out. Sometimes thoughts I didn't realize I was having come out when I start to write! It is very therapeutic. BUT, as was mentioned in the first comment, I believe you have a natural gift of making others feel happy and valued and accepted. You seem to have a way of reaching out to people and befriending them and making them feel comfortable around you. At least that is how you made me feel when we first met! You have such a great spark and love for life that shines through you. I always admired that. Joaquin and your boys are so lucky to have you.
p.s. here's a great quote I saw recently about perspective and priorities. "You can do anything, but not everything." So true! Focus on what is truly important to you and what will make you happy, and don't worry about being like everyone else. You can do anything, but not everything. Love it.
p.p.s. sorry for the mega-long comment. Like I said, I like to write. :)
I mostly know Joaquin but I had to comment because I know how easy it is to think that your whole life is consumed with caring for your little "devils". I have three boys and it's hard when they are toddlers. I promise it is all worth it and they will always remember how much you love them even if you aren't sewing them clothes and making home-made ice-cream. Just as they get out of the crazy stage...you'll have another so it never ends...but it gets better and it's worth it. I love your thoughts on your blog. I know you are an amazing mom!!!
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